2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK * U.S.A. 2012 Dir: Christopher Ray 88 mins
A boat full of unlikely, buff male and female students get marooned on a deserted atoll after their “Sea King” boat is sunk by the eponymous creature. Captain’s wife Carmen Elektra poses vapidly in a bikini, teacher Charlie O’Connell provides outrageous over-acting that’s inversely proportional to the feeble leg wound he suffers, and somebody valiantly delivers the line “Look! It’s civilisation!” with a straight face.
An obligatory geek character provides helpful observations every few minutes (“That’s the second earthquake today!”), mutters about genetic abnormalities and becomes an unlikely hero. Another movie that sounds like goofy fun on paper but proves not much fun to watch, Asylum’s high-concept shark picture is sunk by unappealing characters and poorly executes the kind of set piece that PIRANHA 3-D pulled off (arf!) so well – notably a water-based threesome aborted when two topless hotties are simultaneously bitten in half by the monster. Amidst all the repetitive blurry CG shark attacks (rapidly cut with crunchy gore close-ups and puppet shark heads), there are mild chuckles to be had from lines like “two heads is twice as many teeth!” and a bimbo’s why-i-hate-the-water speech. It’s ultimately disappointing, however, and even the shark is just an ordinary shark with two ordinary heads. By the time a no-budget tsunami strikes and the shark gets beaten with sticks, you’ll be rooting for the pitiful, double-noginned monster.
Review by Steven West