BLOOD GNOME * USA 2004 87 mins Director: John Lechago

You know how shitty this film is going to be just by the first 22 seconds when a guy is looking around for our BDSM loving villain Elandra (who thankfully remains clothed during the movie), calling out her name in the semi darkness. He must have really fucked eyes as he calls out “Elandra, it’s me”, she crawls out of the non-darkness with her opening line “I’m here”. How the hell he didn’t see her I will never know.

Anyway……so basically this film revolves around our lead character Daniel who is a crime scene investigator/photographer, investigating the murders of BDSM participants who enjoy a spot of bloodsport. During his photography sessions he stumbles across a creature that for some reason can only be seen via the screen on a camcorder in infrared mode! Unfortunately for Daniel he has only just been released from a mental hospital so admitting he sees creatures everywhere might set off alarm bells. Through his amazing investigative powers he decides to speak to a BDSM specialist, Divinity who we met earlier in the film. Throw in some un-erotic scenes of Divinity showing Daniel the ropes of BDSM, they very quickly fall in love. Meanwhile our creatures continue their minor rampage all in order to feed their mother, who is a lazy shit and spends all of the film in a box. Mother is controlled by Elandra our butch (still clothed) villain, though we get no explanation as to why she can control her. Jump through some painful looking erotic scenes with failed wannabe porn stars and terrible lighting we come to the end……oooooo…will there be a sequel. I bloody hope not!

I will give this film props for some pretty decent special effects, the (un)special guest appearances by porn stars Julie Strain and The Porcelian Twinz, and for pure cheese value.

Says something about a film when the ‘actors’ are upstaged by puppets!

The director would go on to make better films in the ‘KILLJOY’ franchise.

Review by Peter ‘Witchfinder’ Hopkins